In 2005 the Earthquake Commission presented
at the 1885 Wairarapa Earthquake Symposium (Wellington) a paper narrating the
1855 quake that struck the Wairarapa and in it delivered a chapter: “What if it
Happens Now”, detailing the sophisticated Catastrophe Response Document (CRD),
the guideline for all EQC staff to follow in the event of “and Event”. It is the story of a simulated Event that
took place on 23 January 2005 causing significant damage across the Lower North
Island, tip of the South Island and along its eastern coastline down to
Christchurch and Timaru. It was
presented to a select audience assuring all EQC was prepared and detailing how
it would professionally respond to an “event”. Somewhere in the document it is
stated that week 33 was the turning-point at which EQC was confident it had the
management of the “Event” under control.
EQC concludes it is confident just under 3 years is all it needs to
manage New Zealand through the aftermath of “A Significant Event”.
Reality? Consider this:
It did happen, last night.
Sometime around 4.45 on 4 September 2010 HQ
texted me saying Canterbury had been hit by “A BIG ONE”. Texted back saying it was a drill and told
them to go back to sleep. Or wotevah.
Good to have kids. They teach you text-speak.
Phone call from some hysterical lunatic
blubbering on it is for real. I had to
get out of bed. Pissed-off and still hung-over
from the bridge game that night I arrive at HQ.
Pandemonium. Of my 20 staff four arrived
to cope with the calls. The tea-lady was
nowhere to be found. Made a note to have
her replaced by someone more dedicated.
Small contingent of loyal staff were busy
trying to get through to the Minister so I had to make my own coffee. Could not find the bloody kitchen so I
settled for a Coke from a machine. Odd,
I had always thought it was an ornament.
I phoned home to make sure everyone was
fine. They were. Just like when I had left them 20 minutes
before. But hey, the CRD says I had to
ensure they were fine. So now I could
get to work. Still no idea where to find
the kitchen so got another Coke from this ornament.
5 SEPTEMBER – Day One
Still trying to find this bloody kitchen
and getting really pissed off. I need
caffeine badly, and Panadol. The first –
aid kit is nowhere to be seen. Made a
note to sack whoever is in charge of it.
All of us on the phone as per CRD.
Dear old dot from Saint Albans phoned.
Cat had disappeared. Husband died
five years ago and the kids don’t see her very often. Calmed her down and suggested she’d call back
later. She did. Puss found – old girl
happy. Tells me all about grandkids and
Mr Snuggles, the canary. Next call.
Bloke from Ruatoria. TV was
knocked off the cabinet. Damaged. Shattered.
Wife and kids upset. No worries. Gave a claim number and asked for the cost of
a new tellie. Approved payment on the
spot. Told him cheque would be in the
mail next day. Claim solved. Went home after 10 hours on the phone.
6 September – Day Two.
Back on the phone as per CRD. Only five of us. Hard yakka. Tea-Lady did round with coffee
and Panadol. JK phoned and asked me for
a recon over Christchurch by helicopter.
Told him I was too busy. Hate
those things! Strange, only calls from Ruatoria but never mind. Could finalize claims instantly.
GB asked for meeting. Got inside on him. Loved tea.
Even more loved Thai Curry Pies. Told
Tea-Lady to get some in.
GB arrived.
Told him we had 90% finalization rate.
GB happy. Pies went down well
too. EQC was meeting targets. Invited GB
to take some calls and experience ‘the coal-face’. Answered my phone. Another one from Ruatoria – they keep asking
for me by name for some reason. GB’s
answer to caller somewhat outside CRD and hangs up on caller. Tells me to have Panadol and find map of New
Zealand. Puts me in charge of relocating
EQC to Manukau City.
Ask around and find no-one is prepared to
relocate. Tell GB but he demands I go to Manukau City and find appropriate
digs.
September 10 – Day Five.
Arrived in Philipines. Get cab at Airport
and tell driver “Manukau City”. Driver
puzzled but starts to drive after I hand him a handful of NZ Dollars. They sure love to smile in this part of the
world! Arrived in Muzon City. Find hotel and have a drink in bar. Call
local real estate agent and tell him I am looking for an Emergency Centre. Collects me from hotel and takes me for tour
around his listings. Most are
dilapidated barns without amenities such as a Caf. Mate of his can organize coffee machine. Sign up for one. No ablution facilities. Must relocate some of those “Portaloos”
before they all end up in Christchurch.
September 15 – Day Ten.
Back at HQ.
Frantic pace. Tea-Lady in charge
of switch-board. Few calls from
Ruatoria. Only three staff left. Rest on leave as per arrangement before
“Event”. Made note to phone local WINZ
Office for field staff. Activate
“Minerva”. Supposed to do the work for
us. Leave to go play Bridge with
neighbours.
September 16 – Day Eleven.
WINZ gives list of possible
candidates. Sign-off and hire all. Organize induction.
September 17 – Day Twelve.
Candidates arrive for Induction. Tell them where to find Coke vendor and
suggest they bring their own Panadol.
Get them all clip-board, helmet, Hi-Viz vest, mobile phone and Bic pen. Tea-Lady had done deal on mobile phones through
local supermarket. Told her the FlyBuys
or One Card points were hers to keep.
Go
for helicopter flight with GB. Swallowed
some Sea-Legs. Got off helicopter. GB
commended me on choice of pies and asked if Tea-Lady had couple of warm pies
for us for afternoon smoko. Spewed my ring out.
Went home sick.
September 25 – Day Twenty – One.
Minerva keeps telling me what the finalization
state of Christchurch is. Pissed off as
when I was on the phones claim finalization rate was 99.3%. Is now down to .5%. Wish GB never answered phone to this nice
bloke in Ruatoria. Have to include this
in my report to the Select Committee.
Media phones. Wants to know. Have no idea, neither have Staff. Told new appointees to go to Christchurch and
talk to people. Got on phone and hired
five floors in Grand Chancellor. Got a
good deal.
JK left message on phone asking how things
were. Texted JK “All Sweet”.
September 26 – Day Twenty – Two.
Tea-Lady suggested we start checking
claims. Good point. Send e-mail to staff in GC Hotel. Give them list of claims to check. Got e-mail back. Had to rent fleet of cars. What’s wrong with Public Transport
there? Set “hard-targets” for Team. Have to check at least 30 claims each day –
except Sundays and Public Holidays. Quota
for those days 10. Got txt back saying
rentals were Barinas, not Ferraris.
Demanded I allow for slower travel – state of roads also bad. Phone BP.
In meeting with the media all day – make note I need Orange Parka. Lower quota – roads are pretty bad.
December 23 – Day (I lost Count)
Send Christmas wishes to all from Muzon
City via Minerva.
December 26.
More events. Who up there hates me????
Minerva running “hot”. She always did. Or was that Miranda, that hot insurance chick? Confused. Stressed. Have to go on leave. Forgot. I am on leave. Go to beach and have Pinacolada.
January 18, 2011.
Back at HQ after break and investigations
continue into Bali Call-Centre. Claims
lodged into the hundreds of thousands, finalization rate down to .042%. GB unhappy until Tea-Lady brought in
pies. Made a note to promote her. Invaluable staff-member. Still unsure where the First-Aid kit is. Have to go before Select Committee in two
days. Better prepare.
Meeting with bean-counters. Stats look not so good. Identified post in budget ‘Discretionary
Expenditure’. Have this explained and
decided to hire PR firm and give Tea-Lady some cash to buy First Aid kit with
lots of Panadol.
GB wants details so he can prepare for
Select Committee. Send him copies of
Miranda via e-mail. Had very pointed
reply from GB. Realized I confused
Miranda with Minerva. Told him I owed
him a Thai Green Curry Pie. GB did not
reply.
January 20, 2011.
Day at Select Committee. Difficult questions such as why $ 504,000 of
new television sets for Ruatoria claimants was approved without checking. Evaded by saying I would have that
investigated. GB kept kicking me under
the table. Is he gay? Told Select Committee clearance rate was
excellent and according to Miranda it was better. Select Committee keen to meet Miranda having
seen slides of her on Phuket Beach. Told
them staff cocked-up slides and apologized. Used whiteboard instead and
ad-libbed on details.
February 22, 2011.
Shit hit the fan big time. Event leveled Christchurch. Back to the
telephones as per CRD. Minerva
performing well. Tea-Lady doing an excellent job. Most core staff called in to assist. No calls from Ruatoria. Must be wiped off the map.
All field staff safe but now without
digs. Grand Chancellor closed until
further notice. CRD suggests
billeting. Get team on the phone to call
people in the suburbs to check if they have a spare room. All incoming calls re-directed to Muzon City. People keep filing claims. Unsure how as power and phone are off in
affected area. Must be cheats. Sent directive to call-center to be aware. Need Panadol and nice long G&T. Phoned GB asking if he plays Bridge. GB breaks into sobs. Bridge Street South
Brighton. Home of His Pies. Damaged. Hung up.
February 28 2011.
Meeting at 9th floor. JK wants
new Government Agency to oversee recovery of Christchurch. Did started to put my hand up but GB told me
he’d cut my arm off if I dare to raise even my little finger. Said I too wanted nice Orange Parka. GB promised he would personally put one on
me. Or was that in me? Hard to understand that man at times.
Miranda says over 350,000 claims
received. Still arriving at a rate of
1,500 each day. Our check-rate is 300 each
day. Approval rate around the 20 per
day. Still confident all claims be
finalized by Christmas. Appoint Tea-Lady
as Official Spokesperson of EQC. Next
day she is on TV with both Wing-Nut and Walrus.
Both question data; Tea-Lady tells it will improve. Can go and play bridge with neighbours.
Bean-counters worried. Total expenditure exceeds $1 billion mark and
only 4% of claims finalized. Claims
total already $ 10 billion. Media asking questions.
Hire new PR company and agree no more
figures are released without their scrutiny.
PR company releases statement saying Minister and CEO are on top of
things and all claims be settled by Christmas.
Adds that processing has been a challenge but EQC has retained
additional qualified staff to expediently and efficiently progress matters to
benefit of Cantabrians. Wow! They are clever with words! Direct Tea-Lady to send them a case of Dom
Perignon Brut; is on special at Countdown.
Call from GB to attend private meeting in
his Office. Somewhat concerned when I
noted he has tightly rolled-up press release in one hand, a small tube of
something in the other and a very sadistic grin on his face. Tells me the next press-release from my
Office will go North via my Southern orifice.
I sit down and did not move.
March 2011.
Financial year coming to a close. Need to work on forecast. Do this en-route to Muzon City. Need to know what goes on there. Scribble on napkin, write on sick-bag and
pinch bottom of hostess. Need to find an
optometrist soon as I can’t see through broken glasses.
GB gets message to me Japan now also hit by
big quake. Decide to activate stand-by
call-center in Bali to cope with influx of claims. Inform GB of my actions. Got message back saying
he would be at Airport to issue my Orange Parka personally on my return, followed
by Press Releases and all claim forms from Ruatoria. GB did not reply to bring me a Bacon and Egg
pie too. I am hanging out for one!
Muzon City warm and humid. Might be ‘cos phones are running hot. Call center
a hive of activity. Hundreds of people
on phones to New Zealand. Manager told
me they also answer calls for Telecom 018.
“Kia Ora”. “Choice Bro!”, “Hey mate”, “She’ll be right”, “Bugger that”
heard everywhere. Proud to be a Kiwi. Brings tears to my eyes! Stopped at nice young lady on phone. Was chatting to guy from Ruatoria. Her computer screen had map of NZ. Know now
where Ruatoria is. Bloody cheats!
April 2011.
All stuff with Select Committee. GB has menacing look. He needs a Thai Curry Pie. Some 450,000
claims filed. Still coming in at rate of
500 per day. Clearance around 20 a day.
PR people again release statement all will be settled by Christmas.
May 2011.
GB busy with RS and JK. Unavailable.
Sit down with PR manager. Suggest
Claims Department waits until November and then offer claimants 60% of total
claim. Predictions are most will accept
and finalization rate should rise to 90% plus.
Claimants need Christmas money.
Kiss PR Person and text GB.
Met with GB and JK on 9th
floor. Finances not looking good. Vakue of claims received exceeds total of
reserves. Operational Costs escalating. Fortunately had read paper and said Greens
idea not bad: impose levy on everything.
Alternative EQC to explore selling merchandise. Has done well for Disney, Mattell. GB mumbled
something about windows not opening far enough.
JK conspicuously started to clean fingernails with switch-blade he got from
top drawer.
Get call from GB via Muzon City
call-center. Media onto EQC employing
family members. Tell him it is co-incidence all new staff have Simpson as
family name and wear glasses. State Services also onto it. Time to pray for new “Event”. Hope it is in the Ilam Electorate during
recess. Call GNS to see what the odds are.
Better to put money on family poodle in next dog race. Not a helpful reply.
June 2011 – past the 30+ week milestone.
New “Event”. Things do not look good.
Called to Beehive. Met with GB and JK. Was asked why nothing was achieved at
Operational Cost of nearly $ 2.5 billion.
Finalization rate well below predictions by Minerva yet over $ 6 billion
paid to claimants. Treasury concerned
that final cost could be triple of reserves.
Got reminder week 33 was seen as date when things would return to
normal. Good that PR company anticipated
this one. Told GB and JK that Miranda
starts counting afresh after each event.
Therefore, we were only in week 2 and on track. JK gets murderous grin on face and asks GB to
open window. GB retrieves glass-cutter
from pocket and mumbles: “I have been waiting for this moment” and starts
cutting. I head for door and open it.
Opposition caucus waiting in corridor: safer, except for this LD
creature. Wants to know why she is not
getting paid what she wants for her Bexley section. Tell her I will look into it and discuss her
gripe with RS.
Txt RS and receive reply: CERA involved in demolition and tells me to
sit in Cathedral. Solving LD’s problems
not his responsibility.
December 2011 – new “Event”.
PR Company briefed. They have no idea how to deal with this
one. Finalization rate sitting at below 30%. Money spent.
Believe we cannot use the “Start at Day One” trick again. Suicidal.
Said they’d consult creative staff.
PR Company comes back with suggestion to
diverse into selling merchandise. Should
create “warm fuzzies” amongst Claimants and bring in some funds. Told them I had but was unsure of receptiveness. Told them to go ahead and meet with GB and
JK. Recommend they avoid meetings above
1st floor level.
New Claims being filed. Phone RS ask him for inside info on cutting
power supply to Christchurch for a few weeks to stem flow of claims. RS gives me details on location of vital
power cable. Tells me to get some
heavy-duty all metal bolt cutters from Mega Mitre10 and a set of cheap gumboots
from Warehouse. Adds that when I cut
cable, gumboots must be half-full with water.
(to be continued).
